Notes on English
“Why do your hands look blue?” my now-boyfriend asked during one of our first conversations. “Oh, I’ve got new pants on,” I replied, “the color must have transferred because I’ve been touching them a lot.” The weird look on his face seemed out of proportion to my response, and only later did I realize that was because “pants” means “underwear” across the pond, and he thought I’d spent the whole day with my hands on my knickers.
When I moved to England from the United States two and a half years ago, I thought I’d be all set knowing that a sweater was a jumper and a trunk was a boot. Turns out there’s a lot more to living in another country, and many awkward situations and confusing encounters later, here’s my list of things I wish I had known when I first got here:
Buying Groceries: If you want to buy some food, you nip to the shop, not the store. The zucchini will be called courgette, an eggplant is an aubergine, and cilantro is coriander. String cheese is cheese strings. Basil is basil but it’s pronounced weirdly. When you’ve finally managed to work out that rocket is the same thing as arugula, you’ll pop your groceries in a shopping cart but it will be called a trolley, and then you’ll go queue at the till, not the cash register.
The supermarket options are different and confusing, but you’ll learn that M&S is mostly full of elderly people buying prepared food and a bottle of wine, Sainsbury’s is for students making questionable dietary choices, and Waitrose is for fancy people. Nothing will be as nice as Trader Joe’s, and you should expect everything – from bananas to cucumbers – to be wrapped in plastic.
Eating Out: An appetizer is a starter, an entrée is a main, and a dessert is a pudding. If you mess up, things will be confusing for everyone, because English people think an entrée is an appetizer. If you want to order some chips with your burger you need to ask for crisps. If you ask for chips, you’ll get fries. But you can also ask for fries, in which case you’ll get thinner fries than when you ask for chips.
If you need to go to the bathroom, say you’re going to the toilet or the loo (if you’re feeling a bit posh). Don’t announce to the table that you’re getting up to pee – apparently English people find this a bit crass – but saying you need a wee is perfectly acceptable. When you’re ready to leave, the waiters will bring the bill, but they’ll look at you funny if you ask for the check.
Walking Around: The sidewalk is called the pavement, and you should stick to it to avoid getting run over. Cross walks are divided into all sorts of types and have fun names like pelican crossing, zebra crossing, and puffin crossing, but after nearly three years you still won’t understand the differences between them. You’ll find out that school crossing guards are called lollipop ladies and lollipop men and decide that’s reason enough to have children in England.
Silly Things: Umbrellas are called brollies. Cotton candy is candy floss. A mechanical pencil is a propelling pencil. The pulp in juice is called juicy bits, and you’ll enjoy specifying you’d prefer your orange juice “with juicy bits please.”
A daddy longlegs is not a spider and is instead one of those big flying mosquitos. A horse loose in a bar would be careering not careening. If you go to a party that’s “fancy dress,” you should wear a costume and not a formal outfit.
Most importantly, when someone asks you to borrow a rubber when you’re sitting in a seminar, they mean an eraser.
